The Lie of the Friend Zone

liefriendzoneIt was a brisk Saturday morning at Barnes and Noble in the middle of October. Long-time friends Todd and Amy arrived right at opening so she could stake out their favorite comfy chairs while he picked up their coffee before the lines were congested with Christmas shoppers. Their conversation ran the gambit from recent reads and new bands to theological debates and life events. A couple from their church small group happened by on their way in and passed the two friends again on their way out. The wife interrupted their conversation, requesting Amy join her in getting coffee refills. As soon as they were out of earshot, she pulled the girl aside and exclaimed, “Are you two dating now? I had no idea! When did he declare his intentions?”

“Oh no, you’ve got it all wrong.” Amy laughed at the absurdity of the thought. “Todd and I are just friends. We will never be more – we put each other in the friend zone years ago.”

With the girls out of sight, the husband turned to Todd and asked pointedly, “What’s going on with you and Amy? My wife says she is an amazing young woman and you both seem to really enjoy being with one another.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty amazing,” he admitted. “We enjoy spending time with each another. We’re good friends.”

“Anything more?”

“We’ll see. I am definitely open to exploring the option to take the relationship further in the future. If an option presents itself I will probably take it. I am not ready to shift into a full-blown pursuit, because she is still getting over her last relationship, so for now we are good friends.”

Ah, the difference in male and female perspectives! Sometimes it really is like living on different planets. God created us male (Gen 2:7, 15) and female (Gen. 2:22-24) and there are some days when all we have in common is the fact that we were made in God’s image (Gen. 1:27).

~ What is the Friend Zone ~

The term friend zone was popularized in a 1994 episode of the show Friends, where nerdy Ross was mooning over his beautiful and popular friend Rachel. As a result, he was labeled the “Mayor of the Friend Zone” by their friends. In current culture, the friend zone is used to describe somebody with whom you spend considerable time but not for romantic reasons. Marshall Fine, of Huffington Post, suggested that it was “like the penalty box of dating, when your only crime is not being buff and unobtainable.”

But why did this idea of a friend zone develop? The rise of feminism in society resulted in many things other than just rights for women; the idea of total equality led to guys treating girls just like they treat their guy friends and girls treating guys like they treat other girls. Biblically, that is wrong. God created men and women equal in worth but different in function (and thought processes, in case you haven’t gathered that already). Our very natures – masculinity and femininity – are distinct (Gen. 2:15, 22). They complement each other in their oppositeness. But men and women come at life from completely different perspectives. And our understanding of male/female relationships is markedly different. So, to help us females understand the mystery that is the male mind, I’ve invited my good friend from seminary, David Jones, to provide insight on the subject.

~ The Effects of the Friend Zone ~

Gabrielle: I’ll be honest – I never really thought about what the friend zone idea does to men or to male/female relationships. It was just a given in the feminist culture of the eighties and nineties when I was growing up: you had boys you dated (or would date) and boys who were just your friends (like brothers) and the two didn’t mix. But now that I dig into Scripture, I see what a lie that is because it goes against everything God designed us to be as male and female (Eph. 5:21-33). Me stamping a guy with the friend zone label is, in effect, neutering him! It is also wildly disrespectful to our guy friends, because relegating a guy to the friend zone where there is no option of a relationship, is in effect treating him like your neutered lapdog that meets your needs but doesn’t disturb your life. Rather than live in reality and accountability with all men (Eph. 5:3), we often find it easier to stamp the good guys with the friend label in a lazy effort to ignore temptations that naturally come with guy/girl friendships (see Tuesday’s blog for details).

David: The idea of a friend zone is incredibly frustrating to the guys who are pursuing God and seeking to honor Him in how they go about relationships because when a guy is exiled to the friend zone, he is prevented from stepping up and pursuing the girl who has exiled him. Effectively, the friend zone hinders him from practicing godly masculinity and assuming the role that God created for him, since the girl refuses to see him as anything more than a mere friend. For examples of godly masculinity, see Gen 39; Ruth 2:1; 2 Tim 2:22 in contrast to 2 Tim 3:1-6.

The whole idea of a friend zone nominalizes the godly guys who are seeking to honor God in how they pursue girls. Actually, it aids and abets Christian players, guys who will take advantage of the friend zone to date girls without commitment or accountability. The friend zone encourages guys not to lead in relationships, and instead to lead girls around in a circle (Note the contrast between 2 Tim 3:6 and 1 Tim 3:2, specifically the exploitation of these “weak” women who are burdened with sin and lead astray by their passions, or possibly the passions of sin, and the one woman man who is steadfast and faithful).

~ The Friend Zone is Unbiblical ~

David: The primary goal of male and female relationships is marriage. I believe it is borne witness to by the general lack of biblical norms for male/female non-romantic, non-familial relationships. The Bible actually speaks against these types of relationships after marriage, as it is from these relationships that the majority of adulterous relationships spring (Prov. 7). A married man does not need an emotional connection on any level with any woman other than his wife, his daughters, and, maybe at a much lower level, his mom. Of these, it is only the married man’s wife who is to meet his emotional needs (Heb. 13:4). This is the very essence of the one-flesh union and being a one-woman man (Gen. 2:24; 1 Tim 3:2, 12). If the end goal of male/female relationships is heterosexual monogamy, why should a man multiply sorrows by fostering emotional connections with scores of women? If he is looking for one woman with whom to connect at every level, why would he exhaust himself by putting time and effort into relationships for which he knows there is and can be no future? He shouldn’t and he won’t if he is wise. Generally, men do not initiate and cultivate friendships with women with whom they do not enjoy interacting.  

Gabrielle: I agree. The entire idea of the friend zone is unbiblical. It is disrespectful to God’s design of masculinity in not allowing godly guys to act as men. It is also rejects God’s plan for male/female interactions to lead to marriage by eliminating candidates because we labeled them ‘just friends’ and refuse to see them as anything more.  (1 Cor. 12:26-27, Eph. 4:15-16, Col. 1:18) God is the only one who should eliminate candidates from our list (via Scripture: do not be unequally yoked, etc.), every other god-fearing guy should be given the chance to pursue. Guys should be eliminated  as potential husbands by their character and lifestyle, not a friend stamp on his forehead.

It is good, healthy and God-honoring for a brother in Christ to notice and pursue a sister in Christ with the intent of marriage. And, if we are honest with ourselves, we all long to be pursued. But for that to happen, we need to live in submission to God’s design for masculinity and femininity, which means not treating the godly guys in our lives/churches like neutered lapdogs.

~ Life without the Friend Zone ~

David: With no friend zone, it is vital that male/female contact is regulated by the guy to ensure that he is not cultivating romance to which he is not ready or willing to commit. God appointed men to be the pursuers in relationships (Eph 5:25; for the sequence of events,Rom 5:8; seen in distinction from sexual immorality, Eph 5:2-3). This means that the guy is the quarterback of the friendship and the initiator of the changes to the relationship, including the communication of his intentions. Before he initiates romance in any form, he must settle his intentions in his own mind. He is responsible for ensuring that things do not simply change because he is fickle and cannot make up his mind. He is NOT allowed to initiate multiple romances at the same time – the Bible is crystal clear that heterosexual monogamy is God’s plan (Gen 1:26-28). This is an issue of integrity – failure to do this results in the guy being “the Player,” a jerk that strings girls along in order to meet his physical or emotional needs (even if he is not conscious that he is doing this). Usually, the Christian version of the “player” is not into serial sex, but into serial emotionally-charged and confusing relationships.

Gabrielle: I’ll admit, as girls, we like the friend zone. It makes life so much easier and more organized. The hard thing about not having a friend zone is that no guy is “safe.” Now every guy is an option (eliminating those who Scripture eliminates, of course). And while – hopefully – you aren’t dreaming of marriage with every guy in your church and you aren’t looking at life through wedding-tinged glasses, it does require a conscious taking captive of thoughts about the guys around you.

We females know that if a guy isn’t an absolute “no,” then he could be a yes at some point and our temptation as girls is to mentally explore what that would look like …. all the way to the altar. And that is wrong because it isn’t true today (Phil. 4:8). So eliminating the friend zone means more work: more dependence on the Holy Spirit to keep our thoughts in check, more trust in the Lord to provide for our hearts longings, more taking a stand with Christian player’s who try to assuming the familiarity of a brother/husband without declaring their attentions.

Guarding your hearts (Prov. 4:23) and taking thoughts captive (2 Cor. 10:5) about your male friends means not having expectations that a guy will act/pursue, not allowing wandering thoughts to imagine a future that is not promised, and holding all guys to their word. If they aren’t declaring themselves, then they don’t get romantic-based attention. Period. When a godly guy wants to pursue you, he will make it known. It won’t be confusing, you won’t need your girlfriends to interpret his actions, it will be clear.

~ There’s no Happily Ever After in the Friend Zone ~

Will Todd and Amy make it as friends, as a couple? No one knows. It depends on Todd stepping up, in the God-ordained time, and repenting of passivity to pursue this friend who intrigues him. It depends on Amy repenting of living in the lie of the friend zone, so that she can interact with Todd as the man God created him to be. Will they find the love and marriage that they both long for? It depends on them.

And so your future depends on your willingness to reshape your thinking to what is biblical and God-honoring in relationships, rather than worldly ideas that are easier. 

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42 thoughts on “The Lie of the Friend Zone

  1. This was great! I had never thought about the friend zone in this way before. What an incredibly biblical way to deal with guy/girl friendships! It will change the way I disciple girls and raise my daughters!

  2. thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou SO much for this! Praise the Lord, I only had to go through a small amount of heartache related to this, pain I brought on myself, but I’m so glad I learned the lesson early. I pray this will be a wake-up call to so many young men and women today and that we will search the Scriptures for our guidance as you guys have given that example. Once again, thank you.

  3. Don’t talk about feminism unless you know what the hell you are talking about. Feminism isn’t about declaring friend zones, it’s about achieving rights for women around the world. Some feminists (like myself) are interested in freeing women from various forms of oppression, so that they might actually be treated with dignity. It’s an insult to hear you belittle feminism and shove it into some ridiculous box. Don’t throw around your stereotypes of feminism and call them true. And if you want to say that putting men in the friend zone is like making a man into your neutered lapdog, then you might want to address the fact that most “Christian” men already act like neutered lapdogs- but still want to dominate relationships.

    This article is a ridiculously ignorant and small-minded approach to relationships. Get out of white, heterogenous, fake Christian culture for once and realize that love/relationship is about so much more than marriage. I honestly believe that the way the American church paints guy-girl relationships is an insult to what Christ came to do on this earth. He built relationships left and right, yet never married (nor did His disciples). Does this mean that Christ was putting people in the “friend zone”? And if so, was He handling His relationships in an un-Biblical way, since, as was stated in this article, “The primary goal of male and female relationships is marriage”?

    I would be thrilled to pieces if I actually heard people talk about relationships the way that Christ talked about them. Instead we are left with this youth group approach, which in my personal opinion (and experience) leaves people empty and unfulfilled. Youth group leaders across the country are doing a disservice to young people by saying that girls are little princesses waiting to be pursued and boys are dashing heroes waiting to rescue some damsel in distress. It’s bullshit. And it leaves people crippled when all their expectations lay unmet. More importantly, it continues to evade REAL issues of loving your neighbor, helping the poor, feeding the hungry and seeking justice. Scripture speaks waaaaay more on these things than it talks about how girls and guys should romantically relate to one another. We need to stop looking at every man or every woman as a potential spouse and start living as Christ asked us to live and serving as Christ asked us to serve. And we desperately need to elevate ourselves above these narrow-minded ideas of love.

    • Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! It disgusts and disturbs me to think that anyone in this day is misusing the bible to push their sexist agendas.

    • i get where youre coming from. but there is no need to overreact! this is all an opinion to an extent.
      at the end, you are correct. the only we should be doing is to serve Christ whole heartedly. Putting God above all things.
      however, you must be careful in the way that you speak. swearing does not help at all.
      James 1:19-20
      be slow to anger.

      this article is true to an extent but should be more detailed and take into account of a lot more other things if it is to be used.

      • This is no over-reaction, and your argument about being slow to anger is logically invalid. Saying ‘you have expressed emotions so you should really just be quiet’ does not address any of her points.

    • Lauren, I hope you take my response neutrally, I don’t mean to cause any disharmony in my words.

      Ok, to be honest, Lauren raises some good points, but also some misjudged points. And often she does not provide any background evidence for how she developed these ideas.

      – “feminism isn’t about declaring friend zones, but achieving rights for women”
      There isn’t anything wrong with the above statement, however the article does not say femenism declared ‘friend zones’ but merely that the culture cultivated it, due to women having the ability to treat men as equals. It meant women had a choice against the choices of men. Which eventuated into the choice of seeing them as “just friends”.

      – “most ‘Christian’ men already act like neutered lapdogs”
      I find this comment quite presumptuous and subjective, especially after she just accused the article of throwing around stereotypes of feminism. There is clearly no evidence for most Christian men acting like neutered lapdogs, and as a Christian guy I could feel quite offended (but I’m not). How a Christian man acts is according to his character- and the Bible talks about sex at the appropriate time, for marriage. The point the article makes is that the girl who stamps “friend zone” is denying the guy any chance of marriage, and thereby sex too, hence the ‘neutered lapdog’. If Lauren wants ‘Christian’ men who act like they want sex without commitment, then she is inviting sexual immorality.

      – “love/relationship is about so much more than marriage”
      Well of course. The article doesn’t confine love and relationships to just marriage. However, we must be careful not to confuse love and relationships with romance. We are to love everybody, through our relationships with everyone. But romantic love and romantic relationships are designed for marriage. Or rather, marriage is designed for romantic intimacy and commitment between a man and woman, in a loving relationship. Everything you can think of that intimately involves one man and woman together, must be aimed at marriage. There is nothing fake about that.

      – “the way the American church paints guy-girl relationships is an insult to what Christ came to do on this earth”
      Now I don’t know where the basis of this statement comes from (she provides no explanation), but Lauren could be quite correct, if the American church she’s talking about is putting guy-girl relationships above the priority of the gospel. However, I think Lauren may be confused as to the main reason why Christ came to earth. Christ didn’t come to make the world a better place. I believe most people have that misconception.

      – “Christ putting people in friend zone because he did not marry”
      Again, Lauren seems to misunderstand what was Christ’s reason for coming to earth. Christ did not come with the same frame of mind that we have nowadays. We put romantic relationships as a priority in our lives because we are selfish and have sexual desires. It’s human nature. However, Christ did not have this focus. His focus was to fulfil the prophesy and God’s covenant, by bringing salvation to the world through his innocent death. Now with such a weight on his shoulders, do you think Christ had any room for marriage? Christ “built relationships left and right” but not romantic relationships. He treated everyone as brothers and sisters, and did not seek women for intimacy. Therefore “friend zone” does not even apply to him, and neither does this article.

      – “youth group leaders saying that girls are little princesses waiting to be pursued and boys are dashing heroes waiting to rescue some damsel in distress”
      Yet another subjective statement that has nothing to do with Christian teaching. If youth group leaders are teaching this, they are not doing the right thing. This is a result of culture, not the Bible. It has no relevance to this article, however it is a separate issue that needs to be addressed.

      I encourage anyone to contribute or refute to anything I’ve just said, it’s really good discussion.

      • I have to say “Dandandan” that despight reading your rebbutal I beleive Lauren is almost completely accurate. I’ve experienced a large number of Christian churches, particularly “Bible believing evangelical” churches. And she pretty much nailed it on the head. Of course, neither of us would say that ALL Christians behave this way but she’s pretty accurate of the whole.

        I also would like to say this, there seems to be an increasing distinction between Christ followers (those who look at the life of Christ and attempt to be like him) and Christians (those who follow any version of the organized religion/relationship based on the Bible). A true Christ follower, it seems, would look to live similar to how Christ did, not discrediting marriage at all, but at the same time not saying “well Christ came for a different mindset than we have and a different reason”

        Also the statement of youth group leaders. Once again you are right that its subjective. All statements are because we are fallable finite beings. But we can still make statements that seem to generally hold true. I think her’s is one of them. Certainly there are some amazing youth group leaders (some femenist ones I might add). But by and large the idea of “youth group” has been a failure.

      • “women having the ability to treat men as equals. It meant women had a choice against the choices of men.” The fact that you are saying these are negative things and that they led to the creation of the ‘friend-zone’ is really disgusting. Women SHOULD be treated as equals, and they absolutely should be supported in choosing something other than what someone else has decided for them.

        While the concept of the ‘friend-zone’ may be a reaction to improvements made by feminism, it is ignoble to imply a direct cause. The ‘friend-zone’ was created my angry misogynists who were grumpy that they could not just sleep with any girl that they wanted, and who, like you, are annoyed that women ‘had a choice against the choices of men’. It is particularly horrible that the term implies that to be friends with someone is a terrible outcome. ‘Just friends’ is a phrase almost as stupid as ‘friend-zone’, as really these jerks ought to be thankful that any woman has given them the honour of her company, in spite of their misguided views.

    • I should hope not – else how are these guys going to learn anything about how to relate to a woman? If one is not allowed friends of other genders, how is one to practise treating them with respect and fairness?

      For a man’s wife to be the first close woman friend sounds like a recipe for tragedy, and possibly a factor in the high rate of divorce among young christians.

  4. This article states that it is wrong to view guys as friends and suggests that males and females are only right when in a romantic relationship, which is absurd. It states that friendships or “friend zones” ignore temptation, when in fact it avoids it. It states that guys should be considered as future spouses. This idea seems more unbiblical than cultivating friendships, it seems selfish. I understand that you are trying to give voice to the “nice guys”, but instead shifting focus onto the girl’s disinterest…..there is probably a reason she is not interested. Yes we should be open to different guys, but we should not deny friendship either. If it is meant to be, the friendship would eventually turn into dating, at which point the male could begin pursuing.

    Married men can connect with other women on a low emotional level, as long as it doesn’t compare to the relationship with their wife. Just because they are not married to a certain woman, it does not follow that there is no future to their friendship.

    • Nicole and Chelsea,
      Thanks for grappling with this issue with me – I so appreciate your input. Please hear me that I am not saying that it is wrong to view guys as friends. What God led me to, in writing these 2 articles, is that guys and girls cannot be friends in the way that a girl is friends with other girls or a guy is friends with other guys. This is true because God created men and women wonderfully different and complementary.

      “Friendship” and “the friend zone” are two very different things.
      The lie of the friend zone is that men and women can be close friends without sex or emotion ever entering the picture – which is simply not true of men and women. Men and women can be friends, but within biblical guidelines and with accountability for their friendship. The elimination of the friend zone is the selfless act of the god-fearing girl to draw clear boundaries for what her relationship to a godly guy is and is not.

      I hope that clears up any confusion. You can read the friendship guidelines ( http://wp.me/p1Qpvp-sv ) for specific suggestions.
      Thanks for reading!
      ~ Gabrielle

      • the contents of this comment would have been helpful within the article itself, but it does in fact clear up some things that I had issue with.

        if its possible, i suggest re-writing/re-wording some things in the article because they are phrased rather awkwardly and very prone to misinterpretation

      • You say that God led you to write these, but they are ungodly in their essence, and immoral in their intent. You are perpetuating harmful ways of life, and preventing harmony in human interaction.

        ‘Friendship’ and ‘the friend zone’ are no different but in name and understanding. The one says ‘thank you for letting me into your lounge’, the other says ‘why have you imprisoned me in the lounge and not let me into your bedroom?’ You seem to be against an emotional relationship between men and women that is not marriage. This is an incredibly harmful thing to say. One needs to be encouraged to explore and express their emotions, not treat others like robots.

        The bible offers no guidelines beyond ‘if you are really pure, you wont even care abut sex, but if you really really must do it, then find a person who wants to do it with you and get married’, and that is just what Paul says, so, you know, roughly as reliable as me (except for being older and more mythologised/making stronger claims of blessedness). That would suggest to me that he thought people totally could have emotional friendships without sex needing to be a concern.

  5. This is a wonderful insight, I am a guy, who recently pursued a girl and was “friend zoned” and left with someone questions running around as we are good friends for a long period of time. This was such a thorough and biblical insight and shed so much light and encouragement to my role as a man and knowing that my actions were to honour God. As we are have a close male/female relationship to which I felt the need to declare my intentions but also seek God’s forgiveness for being so close outside of a committed relationship.

    This “grey area” in male and female relationships has led me by my own experience and as I look to the Bible for guidance that it is not a practise that honours God and we truly are “swallowing a lie” and it takes place much in my church, so I look forward to discussing it with my guy friends at our next “guys-only” get together.

    Thank you for this thorough post, i’m definitely saving this and looking forward to reading and exploring this site. May God continue to bless you and this ministry.

  6. Woah… completely blew my mind… pretty much agree entirely… never even thought of the friend zone in that way before.. or with such biblical connotations!! well I guess I shall have to reconsider everything I thought!

  7. This is ridiculous. I don’t quite know how else to put it.
    If you’re not suited to another person romantically, designating them as only a friend is beneficial since there’s no future. If a guy can’t put his ego aside and accept that he can’t have any woman he likes, then what you’re suggesting is a reversal of all principles of equality and human rights. A woman should not have to open herself to all men to satisfy their ‘godly masculinity’. Send them all into ‘exile’, I say, until they realise the difference between loving a friend and loving a partner.

  8. You say that men and women can’t be friends without sexuality entering the picture. Don’t flatter yourself by assuming that all men want to have sex with you. Secondly, you say that a woman shouldn’t eliminate any man without scriptural support. How about lack of any sex drive at all? How about parental demands as to your partner choice? You forget that men also put women in the friendzone, usually due to lack of physical attraction.

    • absolutely agree with you (coming from a guy’s perspective). The Bible does not seem to be even remotely close to a manuel on marriage. It seems to merely make a few statements about the meaning of marriage and leave the rest for psychologists, coucelors, real life experience.

  9. I’m very intrigued by this article and the discussions that followed after it. Going back to the original article, however, I wonder how the author would suggest a godly girl turn down the pursuit of a godly man, a guy whom she respects but thinks there are too many personality differences for marriage to be right?

    • Just explain to him that you do not have an interest in that sort of relationship with him, but that you would still like to hang out/chat/etc. Also make it clear that if he will have a problem with that, that that is his problem, not yours. You have no obligation to compensate him for not being interested in him.

      If he cannot accept that/does not prize your company without the expectation of marriage, then ditch that guy, he’s a jerk and you do not need people like him. Find a guy whom you actually like and who will respect your feelings and treat you like a real life person, not some marriage doll to be won.

  10. Pingback: The lie of the Friend Zone « prayingforaspouse

  11. As a man reading this i don’t understand it at all.

    I have dated a Girl for 2 months and haven’t been able to connect to her in a relationship way. When realization finally hit me, She did put me in a “Friend Zone”. She is leaving possibilities of other men around her open. She is afraid to commit to a relationship, thus never realizing what our relationship will be like if she did that.

    The Modern World approach is to date or go out with other women to make you mate jealous and come back to you. What would be a christian alternative? Pray?! that just seems like im giving up. I can’t just pray my car to work, i still need to Guide it.

    Any Christian Tips to get my Girlfriend more interested in this relationship than in the possibilities and wonders of how the relationship could be different with other men?

    • Perhaps she is simply not that interested in you. You need to express to her your fears and hopes, and give her the space and time to make up her mind if she wants to be with you. Once she knows that you are not comfortable in your current relationship with her, and that you would prefer it to be more exclusive, the ball is in her court and you cannot do much more but respect her decision.

      If you are particularly impatient, you could set a deadline for her to let you know if she wants to carry on and maybe try a bigger commitment, or if she would rather call it off and maintain her freedom.

      I certainly would not recommend going out with other people to make her jealous – that is awfully shallow and disrespectful. One does not deserve a relationship if that is their sort of tactic.

      The main thing I guess is not to think of it as ‘how to get her’ but as ‘how to show her that I like and respect her’ and ‘how to find out what she wants from our relationship’.

    • Ditch her. If she’s not interested in the relationship she’s not worth pursuing. You need to pull back and consider why you’re fiddling around hoping she changes her mind when you can pursue other beautiful women who don’t have the relationship door shut. Good luck man, best wishes.

  12. What I got from the article is that you think it is bad that there is a ‘friend-zone’ because that is what people call it when a woman is not sexually/romantically interested in a guy who is interested in her. You seem to think it is bad because it means some boys do not get the girls that they want. Your last piece of advice that the boy should be more aggressive and that the girl should just give in is some of the most awful advice I have ever read.

    Are you deliberately encouraging misogyny and rape, or have you just not thought about what you are saying enough to see it?

    The real problem with the ‘friend-zone’ is that it paints men as victims for not getting their way. It is that it implies some sort of entitlement to a woman, which simply is not there. Being nice to someone does not mean that they owe you anything, and them choosing to be friends with you, even if you would prefer more, ought never to be taken as a loss. A man, particularly when they are attracted to someone, should respect their opinion enough not to moan and complain if it differs from their ideal.

  13. PS please could you and your husband stop polluting the minds of young people who are potentially trying to be friends with each other without some ignorant old people telling them that they should go out, even if they do not want to, or telling them that their friendship is false and wrong.

    That is an irresponsible and reprehensible thing to do. One ought not to meddle in others affairs unless an injustice is being committed. A boy not getting to marry a girl who does not want to marry him is not an injustice.

    • Thank you, Vincent, for your wise words here in this comment section. Your critique of the article seems spot on to me, and you offered what looks like to be excellent advice to others. God bless.

  14. Vincent,
    Your constant negative comments suggest this topic bothers you. Have you talked to the Lord about this? Sometimes what bothers us may be a gentle tug from The Holy Spirit to engage us in discovery. (That’s true for me!) What does He think about all of this? Thankfully He guides us into all truth and teaches us in a way that we understand. (Aren’t you glad?) God bless your journey!

  15. Let’s be honest Gabrielle; your 70-year-old neighbor whose wife just died is not someone you would consider marrying. Common sense would indicate that not every single godly man is an option for marriage, and there are legitimate preferences in a husband that go beyond him being a Christian. Friendship is something quite different, and that old neighbor is certainly someone you can minister to. But the end result of your teaching is that single Christian women are going to avoid any kind of fellowship with single Christian men unless he is someone who meets her standard for marriage.

  16. Pingback: The Friend Zone | Jacqueline

  17. This is way-late so you probably won’t see it. But I’ll take a chance and post anyway. I was told by my mother (A LOT) to “play hard to get” and that I appeared to many people as if I were desperate or “needed to get laid” (sorry if that term offends, I don’t mean to). I found this incredibly insulting because I wasn’t TRYING to be “gotten”, I had NO DESIRE to have a boyfriend/possible husband and I really only wanted to be friends because I didn’t want sex. I mean: I had NO INTEREST in sex. At all. The idea disgusted me and that was why guys were in the “friend zone”. You get to have someone to talk to, joke around with, have nice debates with and hang out and maybe flirt without having to have sex. If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn’t have the FREEDOM to do that, I’d be stuck with one peson, and if I got married, I would be expected to have sex. GROSS! I felt this way as a high school student and woman in my mid-twenties.

    The probelm was, most men I talked to wanted to IMMEDIATELY commit. Basically, they wanted to skip the courting/dating stage and go straight to the committment, straight to the moving in, straight to the proposal. Guess what they wanted? Obviously, I said “no” but quite often, they didn’t ask – it became ASSUMED by them and our friends and people around us that we were dating and they “wouldn’t hear of it” when I tried to tell them otherwise. And then those guys refused to be dumped. because I had no reason to break up other than, “I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want sex.” I was ALWAYS painted as the bad guy unless I shut my mouth and opened … yep. When I did find guys who were cool with and relieved there was no committment needed, all they wanted was one thing. They didn’t want to do activities, they didn’t want me to talk (going so far as to turn up music or TV and shushing me or telling me to shut up when I said anything at all), they pushed me away when I wanted to cuddle and essentially “told me” what they wanted by basically just grabbing me. Making it impossible to do anything but what THEY wanted. That defeated the POINT of no committment. They skipped the getting to know you part. THAT WAS ALL I WANTED. Conversation. Activities. That’s it. Now why in the world is that just so wrong and hard? I understand the Bible’s problem with lust, but since I really, really, really, hate doing anything sexual or even the IDEA of doing it (I felt dirty and used and pushed into it when I did it) … how on earth am I in the wrong? If I did it the biblical way, I would end up wtih a husband and then I would be obligated to do something that makes me sick to my stomach.

    I am not trolling. I am not kidding. I genuinely want to know.

    • Girl, i’m sorry, i just had to reply to your comment and you might not like what I’m about to say.
      The way you interact with boys= trouble.
      Stop looking for guy friends…they gonn think, you’re looking for a buddy if you know what I mean. Your ma says play hard to get so you get respect, not some idiot violating you.
      If you flirt with a guy you are sending out loads of message…not kl.
      Whats wrong with girl friends you can do activities with and debate and if you can’t flirt, you can at least talk about guys….from a distance. Its hard to find guy friends whose heart are in the right place. They are precious and so are you. stop forcing guys to fit yourvselfish desires without trully understanding how they think and what they want else they’ll keep forcing their selfish desires on you.
      This article is interesting and so are the comments…we need to talk more about tough issues.
      Peace

  18. I… really don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to this. For years I have been friends with someone I have feelings for, but he has told me he will never date me. I have been told I need to respect his decision not to date me, that he will not change his mind and that I should not expect him to ever do so. He said he wants someone that he is physically attracted to first. I know God can do anything, and maybe someday things could change. But isn’t it kindof dangerous to believe that, to have that to hold onto? As much as I would like to be with him. I’m told men’s feelings simply do not change, because of how important physical attraction is to them. Why should we preach to our young men that persistence is rewarded, but teach our young women that if they don’t make the cut now, they never will?

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