Single, Bitter and Ready to Mingle?

Single. Married.

Two words that stir up so much in girls these days.

I’ve seen a rather shocking escalation in the snarky comments and bitter rants of so-called Christian girls on the issue of singleness. In a short web search, I found a WikiHow page on “How to avoid being single and desperate” (No, I’m not linking it, cause relationship advice should come from the Author of relationships, not WikiHow). I also found an unreadable amount of personal blogs – mostly from the secular arena – detailing their frustrations, anger and answers to escape the trap of singleness.

In flipping through a couple of popular relationship books, it seems their answer is a combination of feminism and new age thinking. Something along the lines of: love yourself, become yourself, visualize your man, and go after him!

Now, obviously, as women who seek to honor God with our love life, we have a different set of relationship guidelines. Ours are undoubtedly harder – trusting, waiting, seeking God, living in today. And even once the guy finally materializes, there is the struggle with purity, balance, accountability, timing, etc. Nothing about male/female relationships is easy… because the purpose of relationships is to display God to a lost world.

Yet, quotes like these stir up all kind of bitter reactions:

“Your greatest need is not a spouse. Your greatest need is to be delivered from the wrath of God- and that has already been accomplished for you through the death and resurrection of Christ. So why doubt that God will provide for a much, much lesser need? Trust His sovereignty, trust His wisdom, trust His love.” – Single Blues in the Land of “I Do’s”

“When discontentment seeps into our lives, plaguing our thought life like a curse, we’re revealing what we think of ourselves. We have a sense of entitlement to certain things in our life because of certain reasons.  After all, haven’t we worked hard to get where we want to be?  We deserve to find the happiness a love would bring, so why can’t we seem to find it?” – Valentines Day Survivor

“The second reason singleness is a really good gift is because God is a really good gift-giver! Let’s face it, most singles aren’t completely contented with their singleness status…not 100% of the time at least. They desire at some point to be married. But most singles are single because God has determined it to be this way. Those who struggle with this lonely status can tend to view God as holding out on them, holding good from them. This couldn’t be further from the truth though. Because God is good (Exodus 33:19;Psalms 31:19; 107:1), the situations He brings into our lives are good (Romans 8:28-29), and the gifts that He gives are good for us (Matthew 7:11).” – Do I Have Singleness Cooties

Why? Why are Christian girls exploding with anger, resentment and desperation right now? Why such snarky put-downs about marriage? Has the church dropped the ball on addressing this issue? Are contentment and trust no longer emphasized in single girl small groups?

Girls, what is going on? How do we address it? How can we prevent this anger from permeating the next generation?

6 thoughts on “Single, Bitter and Ready to Mingle?

  1. I realize that there is some snarkiness sometimes towards marrieds. I am not justifying it, its sin, plain and simple. But, I think equally so, there is exclusivity and snarkiness from married friends. Sometimes the single snarkiness is in defensiveness to a combination of hurt from still being single AND feeling excluded, judged, put down by marrieds. That explination being offered, singles are still responsible for our own actions, responses, snarkiness, sin.

    I’d like to offer a different theory: the problem isn’t single or married, the problem is women. We are all like this, we all struggle with jealousy and comparison end coveting. I have heard singles put down married friends and downplay stay at home moms, etc. I have witnessed and experianced married women (who feel envious of singles who work or travel or have a fun social life) make comments that are hurtful to single women about motherhood being far more important, downplaying the fact that singleness is hurtful or that singles face real troubles (I once even had a married friend say “You’ll understand when you grow up and get married”)

    And, sometimes, people say insensitive comments without meaning them. We were thoughtless and careless with our words and never meant to be snarky or rude but we were. I am guilty of this. I’ve belittled moms or marrieds without intending to, and multiple times, I have had unintentionally hurtful things said to me. Sometiemes people aren’t mean, they are just thoughtless.

    I think the solution includes several things:
    1. Grace – give people the benefit of the doubt. We all say hurtful things sometimes – either defensively out of insecurity or thoughtlessness out of insensitivity.
    2. Refuse to respond poorly. Just because someone hurt your feelings doesnt mean you have to make a rude comment back. For example, as mentioned above, someone (when referring to money troubles) implied I would understand when I grew up and got married. Instead of being hurtful back (as I have before!), I jokingly said “Girl, I understand you, bills, rent and student loans are getting the best of me some months.” It was a way to let her know the truth without getting defensive.
    3. Check your heart. If you are making a rude comment, its probably not because you don’t value marriage, its because you’re hurt you aren’t married or that the married girls are excluding you or that someone made a rude or insensitive comment about your singleness. Its okay to be hurt with your circumstances, not to lash out at others in a rude manner. Run with that pain to the Lord, don’t run to the nearerst sassy comment.
    4. You’re responsible for you. I finally realized that some of the girls who only wanted to hang out with the other married women at church were likely not ever going to want to be my friend and were going to continue to downplay my life because I wasn’t married. I could get angry or I could move on. Being angry at them was not doing me any good and there were plenty of other girls who I could befriend. I can’t control them, but I can control me.

  2. Thanks for posting this it poses a valid question for christian ladies need to face.
    I have found that through many of my friends and sisters experiences in life that at the end of the day single, in a relationship, or married God seeks after our hearts. He puts different circumstances in our lives to bring our hearts to Him.
    I believe you hit it right on with those quotes from other previous posts.
    I believe that the following verse is very applicable to this question Philippians 4:11 “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”
    Contentment wherever we are is hard for us daughters of Eve to learn.

  3. I think a lot of women view marriage as the summit of life fulfillment, then they wonder why they’re still unfilled/ unhappy. God is the capstone of humanity. Our purpose is to glorify/worship Him, and then serve each other. To whatever degree God is off in your life, to that degree will the rest of your life be off including your views on marriage and singleness. Btw, the Church is the bride of Christ, so, in effect, we’re all eventually going to be married.

  4. I think this issue for Christian singles is trusting wholly, submitting joyfully, and accepting faithfully God’s sovereign will in his/her life. A person who walks with the Lord this way has no need to make snarky, hurtful, or jealous comments. No do they have need for how-to guides or need to be empowered as a single. It doesn’t enter their heart or mind to want to do or participate in those activities.
    The question is raised “Why are Christian girls exploding with anger, resentment and desperation right now?” I know for a fact that there are a large number of Christian single girls who are NOT exploding with anger, resentment, and desperation (I am one of them and know a bunch of them). The sad, unadulterated truth is that the women who are acting in this way are acting in rebellion to God’s SOVEREIGN will for their life. Maybe they don’t feel that God should have any say in this area; but when you are purchased by the precious blood of Jesus Christ; He owns you, He owns the path you will walk with Him, He owns the possibility of a husband and family. We must remember that we must conform to God’s plan; He does not conform to ours; bend to His will, not He to ours. This is a hard pill to swallow, much less pick up and look at.
    When our life is not going the way we want in the marriage area, or we keep experiencing failed after failed relationship; we have to look at the common denominator….ME. God wants ME totally and completely FIRST. WHEN I surrender to Him; giving way for His PERFECT PLAN in His TIME for His GLORIFICATION; I can rest in absolute peace in my singleness.

  5. Could a Dad interject here? For years when my wife and I were working with teens, college students, and singles; I told each group we taught that there was a reason for singleness/singlehood. You see, God wants you to fall in love with Jesus, and it is much easier to do that before you get married than it is after the wedding. Ask some married couples. Even Paul makes this clear. I love you ladies because you remind me of my girls, well daughters–they are all adults now. So, pursue that love relationship with Jesus; besides, whether married or single, He is the only one that can meet all your longings and needs.


  6. Why is the O.P. surprised that some Christians are angry and resentful? We are indroctinated into a hyper-sexualized culture from practically the day we are born. It’s especially bad for girls. What Disney Princess “joyfully submits” to not finding her Prince? SINGLE FOR LONG ENOUGH, AND THE RESENTMENT AND ANGER TURN INWARD. “What have I done wrong?” “Am I not trying hard enough or not pretty or smart enough?” “Is there sin in my life that is holding back a blessing?” The questions roll around and around in one’s mind. And then there are the people in the church and out who make hurtful comments like, “Why aren’t you married?” Past a certain age, and it just gets humiliating, wondering if the “expiration date” on our virginity/plans for a family/plans for a future has passed already.

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