True love (insert dramatic sigh).
It doesn’t matter if you are the most popular girl in school, the science nerd or have been out of school for an undisclosed number of years…every female longs to be loved. And usually that dream includes a husband… and all of the necessary in-between steps of dating, romance, love, and marriage.
But what if a guy pursues you, puts himself out there and you’re just not into him?
No girl daydreams of that scenario – but it happens.
It happened to me when I was very young in the dating world, I was approached by a friend of several months with a love letter. It was beautiful, completely from the heart, and very sweet. But I had no interest in him. So what’s a girl to do but panic? And that is exactly what I did! What do I do? How can I look him in the eye? Do we have to sit down and talk about this? Ahhhhhh! Thankfully, my wise, godly accountability partner noticed that I was about to collapse from sheer panic. She told me to just speak to him as his sister in Christ, in loving honesty. That is exactly what I did – and it wasn’t fun at all. I got a little sick to my stomach, but I can look him in the eye today with no regrets.
And as much as we all wish we could avoid that awful conversation, it needs to happen. As a godly Christian girl, his sister in Christ and the girl who was asked out – this is your duty. As pursuers, men get the gut-wrenching job of taking the first step. We, as responders, have the difficult task of responding in honesty.
When You’re Just Not That Into Him:
First, realize that being asked out, by anyone, is a huge compliment. Be grateful, encourage him to continue on in godly manhood by saying thank you. After all, he is facing rejection just to ask you out. “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them.” (Mt. 7:12)
Second, feel free to communicate your feelings toward him as a person, if you respect him as a brother in Christ, value him as a friend or love him like a brother. If you loath him, leave this sentence out. Please don’t tear him down or disrespect him. He won’t like any of these compliments now, but in retrospect he will see your actions as honest and kind. “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” (Rom. 12:9-10)
Third, explain your feelings about dating him. This isn’t the time to be nice, or wander around the issue – “I don’t feel the same way about you” or “I don’t return your feelings” – just be clear. Don’t lead on a guy who was man enough to ask you out. “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.” (1 Peter 3:8)
The reality of it is that he will be hurt when you say no. Let’s face it, if a guy asks you out….he likes you. Liking someone means putting yourself out there. His emotions are involved. He has thought over the possibility of some sort of future with you (not necessarily forever, but future dates). He mustered up the courage to declare himself and ask you out. Clearly he doesn’t want you to say no. But if you know there is no chance, then don’t lead him on. My point is – he will be a little crushed. He isn’t going to enjoy the rejection. He won’t consider any action on your part to turn him down a “nice” thing; but you can do it in a classy way that will help him move past it and allow for the possibility of friendship in the future.
When You’re Just Not That Into Him, Do NOT:
Ignore him. The easiest and most juvenile thing you can do is ignore his phone calls, delete his emails and duck behind friends when he walks by. He will get the hint eventually, but it will hurt far more because you let him hope for so long. Basically, it tells him that you didn’t value him enough as a person to just speak the truth in love. You chose to do what was easiest for you, rather than what was good for all involved. This behavior is 7th grade and only proves to him that you were not the woman he thought you were.
Advice from an anonymous guy: “It’s funny, I hate confrontation and the whole up-front thing, but that is what I need most from a girl I ask out. I don’t really catch on to subtlety. You need to come out and directly tell me you aren’t interested. I am going to pursue until I get you or you take yourself out of the game. Please don’t be cruel, I was crushed as a teenager by a girl’s very explicit, derogatory rejection. Be gentle but firm; and, above all, be honest.”
Lead him on. You aren’t cruel, you don’t want to hurt him, but the constant pursuit is driving you crazy. So you tell him you can’t right now when you really mean no. Tacking “right now” on to the end of your explanation seems like it would be a nice way to soften . If there isn’t potential, there isn’t potential. Don’t tell him “no for now” to soften the blow. If he doesn’t have a chance with you, don’t give him hope that he does. That is cruel. And ungodly. And SO every awful High School Movie ever made!
Advice from another anonymous guy: “If a guy asks you out and your gut reaction is “no,” just say no from the beginning. Too many girls don’t want to hurt a guy’s feelings and end up leading him on. Being lead on is the worst. Please don’t say “I’m too busy,” or “I’m not looking for a relationship right now,” if you really mean “I’m sorry, but no.”
Apologize: This is for the “I’m sorry people.” They feel it is their fault for not liking the guy. The honest truth, you can’t force like. If you don’t feel the same way he does, let him know and move on. Apologizing for not being able to like him is a slap in the face. He was man enough to admit to his feelings, be woman enough to own up to yours. It isn’t your responsibility to like every guy that asks you out, it is however, your responsibility as a woman of God to be honest with them.
Advice from yet another anonymous guy: “Be simple. I don’t need a long explanation and eighty apologies. Simply say thanks and then tell me the truth: “I’m not into you.” Don’t be vague, because if there is even the slightest positive feedback, we start reading into things and get our hopes up. Be honest, please.”
An immature girl takes the easy way out, doing what is easiest for her no matter how badly it hurts the guy. Then proceeds to avoid him for the rest of her life, pretends he doesn’t exist and turns a little “no” into a huge drama.
A godly woman puts the guy’s feelings first, even though addressing the issue is uncomfortable. She is honest about her feelings, doesn’t feel guilty for a lack of feelings and continues to love the guy through her actions as a brother in the Lord. Because she is honest and treats him with kindness, she is able to walk away with no regrets and no enemies.
As a woman seeking to glorify God, make sure to strive to honor God with guys you are into, but also in handling guys you aren’t into.“I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Eph. 4:1-3
Hi..thanks for your posts. So I am guilty of the first..ignoring him. But it’s usually because I don’t know how to say I’m not interested to the guys and I just find it becomes weird between us…the weirdness is usually on my part. And I’m also afraid of leading them on when I continue to hang out with them and stuff.
No more being cowardly and immature..thanks.
Ugh, this is GOOD.
I can feel the awkwardness that comes with these scenarios just reading this!
I have handled these situations the right and the wrong way in the past…
It is SO helpful to hear the opinions of men. We girls like to give hints and guys need us to be blunt! It’s good to have the reminder and the communication straight from the guys about what they need.
Saying no to a date is totally fine, but women — do it well!!!
My husband was “scared” to ask me out because years before we dated, he asked a woman out and she laughed at him! Looking back, he can probably guess that she was nervous, like he was. But it really hurt!
[…] When You’re Just Not That Into Him – Unlocking Femininity on rejecting someone […]
First of all, I believe in courtship, so I believe that the courtship request ought to be brought before the family. I don’t believe that going out alone because you like the other person is treating the other person in all purity (1 Timothy 5).
But the main point I’d want to share is that dismissing the other person because you don’t “have feelings for” him/her is not scriptural and is not wise. Sure, they may not be a right person/a good fit, but you can’t know that from your initial reaction (the heart is deceitful above all things Jeremiah 17:9). There are plenty of couples in good marriages in which one person initially was not attracted to the other. You have to ask yourself why you’re not attracted to the other person. Would they make a good husband/father, wife/mother? Are you setting your physical standards and standards for how romantic/sweet they are too high, letting your ideas be shaped more by Disney and Hollywood than the Word of God? Remember that charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised (Proverbs 31:30) and that that God does not look at appearance or height of stature but the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). Again, there many, many legitimate cases in which 2 people really shouldn’t enter into a courtship/dating relationship, but I have seen and heard too of many cases of 2 people who would have formed an excellent pair, but one or both were too blind/too stuck in their imaginary world to see it. Just a word of caution.
Thank you so much for this post. I have been reading the archives of this website since finding it a few months ago, but feel compelled to comment on this one. I started going to a new church a couple or so months ago, and there is a guy in my youth service (I am in high school) who doesn’t seem like he will leave me alone. He always sits beside me, and follows me around most of the time… He even asked for my number—yikes! He’s been doing this ever since I was awkwardly texting before service one time, and he came up to me and started a conversation. At first, I thought he was just being nice. But now it seems he likes me, or at least has a crush on me, and I honestly don’t have any interest in him. At all. He hasn’t asked me out, but then again I am only 14 and he is only 15, and we’ve known eachother about a month. Next time I see him, however, I am planning on telling him how I feel about him. That I’m not interested, in case he does like me. I just hope I can gather the courage, and pray that God gives me the correct words… And maybe this will help me like the new church, knowing that he won’t follow after me every time I enter the room. The main reason I’m posting this, is as accountability. I said I will do it, and now it’s publicized.
Again, thank you so much for making this website. It’s given me so much more insight than I could ever have imagined 🙂 Thank you, God bless!
I don’t know if anyone is going to read this, but I would really like advice. I am currently being pursued by a guy who is very godly. He loves the Lord and his actions show it. The problem is that I’ve never been attracted to him. I haven’t completely turned him down though because I wanted to be scriptural, and I know that acting on your emotions is not. I really want to like him because he such a great, godly guy, so I’ve been just talking to him for quite a few months now hoping I would eventually develop feelings… but they’re still not there. I’ve made it clear that we’re just friends, and I’ve even told him I don’t feel as strongly about him as he does for me. He’s not giving up though and really wants to date me. Is it wrong to turn him down simply because my emotions aren’t there? I’m not sure how to handle the situation. I feel like if I permanently turn him down I would be passing up a potentially great, God-honoring relationship.
So sorry for the late response! Time can change things but it sounds like you’ve given it a fair chance. It’s good that you gave him a try because he was godly but attraction is something God used to bring people together and keep people apart. If you’ve given it time and an open mind, it’s ok to shut the door. After all, if he is God’s plan for you, he will change your heart. You’re not going to miss out on God’s best as long as you seek God. We hope this helps you in this dilemma!