It doesn’t matter if you are the most popular girl in school, the science nerd or have been out of school for an undisclosed number of years…every female longs to be loved. And usually that dream includes a husband… and all of the necessary in-between steps of dating, romance, love, and marriage.
But what if a guy pursues you, puts himself out there and you’re just not into him?
No girl daydreams of that scenario – but it happens.
It happened to me when I was very young in the dating world, I was approached by a friend of several months with a love letter. It was beautiful, completely from the heart, and very sweet. But I had no interest in him. So what’s a girl to do but panic? And that is exactly what I did! What do I do? How can I look him in the eye? Do we have to sit down and talk about this? Ahhhhhh! Thankfully, my wise, godly accountability partner noticed that I was about to collapse from sheer panic. She told me to just speak to him as his sister in Christ, in loving honesty. That is exactly what I did – and it wasn’t fun at all. I got a little sick to my stomach, but I can look him in the eye today with no regrets.
And as much as we all wish we could avoid that awful conversation, it needs to happen. As a godly Christian girl, his sister in Christ and the girl who was asked out – this is your duty. As pursuers, men get the gut-wrenching job of taking the first step. We, as responders, have the difficult task of responding in honesty.
When You’re Just Not That Into Him:
First, realize that being asked out, by anyone, is a huge compliment. Be grateful, encourage him to continue on in godly manhood by saying thank you. After all, he is facing rejection just to ask you out. “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them.” (Mt. 7:12)
Second, feel free to communicate your feelings toward him as a person, if you respect him as a brother in Christ, value him as a friend or love him like a brother. If you loath him, leave this sentence out. Please don’t tear him down or disrespect him. He won’t like any of these compliments now, but in retrospect he will see your actions as honest and kind. “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” (Rom. 12:9-10)
Third, explain your feelings about dating him. This isn’t the time to be nice, or wander around the issue – “I don’t feel the same way about you” or “I don’t return your feelings” – just be clear. Don’t lead on a guy who was man enough to ask you out. “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.” (1 Peter 3:8)
The reality of it is that he will be hurt when you say no. Let’s face it, if a guy asks you out….he likes you. Liking someone means putting yourself out there. His emotions are involved. He has thought over the possibility of some sort of future with you (not necessarily forever, but future dates). He mustered up the courage to declare himself and ask you out. Clearly he doesn’t want you to say no. But if you know there is no chance, then don’t lead him on. My point is – he will be a little crushed. He isn’t going to enjoy the rejection. He won’t consider any action on your part to turn him down a “nice” thing; but you can do it in a classy way that will help him move past it and allow for the possibility of friendship in the future.
When You’re Just Not That Into Him, Do NOT:
Ignore him. The easiest and most juvenile thing you can do is ignore his phone calls, delete his emails and duck behind friends when he walks by. He will get the hint eventually, but it will hurt far more because you let him hope for so long. Basically, it tells him that you didn’t value him enough as a person to just speak the truth in love. You chose to do what was easiest for you, rather than what was good for all involved. This behavior is 7th grade and only proves to him that you were not the woman he thought you were.
Advice from an anonymous guy: “It’s funny, I hate confrontation and the whole up-front thing, but that is what I need most from a girl I ask out. I don’t really catch on to subtlety. You need to come out and directly tell me you aren’t interested. I am going to pursue until I get you or you take yourself out of the game. Please don’t be cruel, I was crushed as a teenager by a girl’s very explicit, derogatory rejection. Be gentle but firm; and, above all, be honest.”
Lead him on. You aren’t cruel, you don’t want to hurt him, but the constant pursuit is driving you crazy. So you tell him you can’t right now when you really mean no. Tacking “right now” on to the end of your explanation seems like it would be a nice way to soften . If there isn’t potential, there isn’t potential. Don’t tell him “no for now” to soften the blow. If he doesn’t have a chance with you, don’t give him hope that he does. That is cruel. And ungodly. And SO every awful High School Movie ever made!
Advice from another anonymous guy: “If a guy asks you out and your gut reaction is “no,” just say no from the beginning. Too many girls don’t want to hurt a guy’s feelings and end up leading him on. Being lead on is the worst. Please don’t say “I’m too busy,” or “I’m not looking for a relationship right now,” if you really mean “I’m sorry, but no.”
Apologize: This is for the “I’m sorry people.” They feel it is their fault for not liking the guy. The honest truth, you can’t force like. If you don’t feel the same way he does, let him know and move on. Apologizing for not being able to like him is a slap in the face. He was man enough to admit to his feelings, be woman enough to own up to yours. It isn’t your responsibility to like every guy that asks you out, it is however, your responsibility as a woman of God to be honest with them.
Advice from yet another anonymous guy: “Be simple. I don’t need a long explanation and eighty apologies. Simply say thanks and then tell me the truth: “I’m not into you.” Don’t be vague, because if there is even the slightest positive feedback, we start reading into things and get our hopes up. Be honest, please.”
An immature girl takes the easy way out, doing what is easiest for her no matter how badly it hurts the guy. Then proceeds to avoid him for the rest of her life, pretends he doesn’t exist and turns a little “no” into a huge drama.
A godly woman puts the guy’s feelings first, even though addressing the issue is uncomfortable. She is honest about her feelings, doesn’t feel guilty for a lack of feelings and continues to love the guy through her actions as a brother in the Lord. Because she is honest and treats him with kindness, she is able to walk away with no regrets and no enemies.
As a woman seeking to glorify God, make sure to strive to honor God with guys you are into, but also in handling guys you aren’t into.“I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Eph. 4:1-3